When I was little, I loved to write in my diary. I have never been good at opening up to people about my life in conversation, so especially when I was young, I would write poetry and journal often. I would crave opportunities to sit down on my bed with a pen and paper, and spill my heart out to a blank sheet of paper. It was the one place I truly knew how to be myself...my whole, raw self.
Paper had no expectations. It would never judge me for what thoughts slipped past my pen. Writing permitted me to express my innermost dreams and secrets.
But once I left for college, my journal was neglected. I spent less time in private, less time sorting through my thoughts. Because in all honesty, when you live with 74 women in a sorority, and are in a committed relationship, dates with your self become few and far between. It was not until this summer that I was reminded of my passion for journaling, when Nicholas and I moved my belongings from my parents house to our new home. After 3 hours of packing, he reached in to the closet and pulled out a stack of spiral notebooks and leatherbound journals, with a more-than-interested look on his face. We spent the next hour laughing together, as we read fun poems I had written as a fourteen year old girl, and discussing more serious journal entries from years ago, that exposed my doubts about whether or not this Creator "God" truly existed. He looked up from thumbing through the pages, and said "Kristin, you need to keep writing, this is great!"
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For all you anonymous blog readers, here's my first entry:
11/1/2011
This time last year, I could not stop staring at the new piece of jewelry on my finger. Nicholas had just proposed on the 29th of October, and I was just about as giddy as a girl could possibly be. Naturally, I was (and still am) OBSESSED with my ring, and with all things wedding.
10 months ago, we picked out our baby...I mean puppy, Winston. :)
6 months ago, I was studying for finals, making jam for professors, and picking up my robe for graduation. 2 weeks later, I walked across that stage and received 2 BA degrees, and was the first person related to me by blood to receive a college degree.
4.5 months ago I went on my first cruise ever, as company of the Hawkins family. We visited remarkable cities like Santorini, Greece; Venice, Italy; and Dubrovnik, Croatia! It was SO FUN!
4 months ago this day, we were decorating the Beach House like mad men (with the help of some amazing family members and friends), trying to get every detail finished perfectly for our wedding. We had a "boat cruise" Rehearsal Dinner. Afterwards, Nicholas and I went back to the house, prayed together, and watched a movie. The next day, I married a man who exceeds all expectations of my 'dream man'.
3 months ago tomorrow, we were coming back from what we call "Our Month of Adventures"....4 weeks of Honeymoon bliss. We backpacked around the islands of Republica Dominicana and Puerto Rico. We got home August 2, and for the next 4 weeks, there was not a single rainy day in Sandpoint. Happy memories of warm sun shining skies and cold, blue, lake water, fill my mind. Every day after work, we would rush home, grab our suits, load up Winnie, and head out to Hope to play by the lake.
1 month ago, my heart was heavy. The sun stopped shining every day, I was not where I wanted to be career wise, I hadn't seen my family or friends in months, and I was frustrated with living in a small town where every one knew Nicholas, and no one knew me. I struggled to find my own identity here, and I was basing my individual worth on worldly things like how much my job paid, or whether or not I had made friends my own age here. It's easy to think this way sometimes, but when push comes to shove, I wouldn't have traded the timing of our marriage in for the most amazing career in the world. Everything happens for a reason, and I feel confident that I am right where I am supposed to be, even if it can be hard to give up personal goals at times.
2 days ago, was Sunday. Sundays are my most favorite. It's the one day of the week Nicholas and I have off together. We always wake up, blare worship music in our bedroom, shower, and head to church. The one thing we continuously prayed for before we moved to Sandpoint together, is that we would find a church that met each of our preferences, and where we felt like we fit in as a couple. This sounds easy, but we both have super different expectations as far as churches go, and so it was truly a gift when Nicholas' cousin Helen, suggested Cedar Hills. We are in our 7th week of a marriage class that the church offers, and begin serving in the nursery there soon. After church, I headed to CDA to meet up with Betsy and have lunch, while Nicholas went to the Ranch to hunt with his sister. This is another one of our routines...I go do something girly (or just sleep) while Nicholas goes to hunt. It was GREAT to see Bets (my best bud of nearly 15 years) and just talk about life. Like with the blank sheet of paper, I know that with her, there are no expectations, and I can just be me. Later that evening, we spent some time at Nicholas' parents house, watching a movie with them and Brandon. I have grown to love his family like they are my own, and they truly make living in a new town easier.
Last night was Halloween. Nicholas and I sat in our Pebbles and Bam-Bam costumes, patiently awaiting the cute kids who showed up to say "Trick or Treat". Every time the door bell rang, we raced to the door, and handed out candy. While we had far fewer trick-or-treaters than I am used to in Boise, it was a great first Halloween as a married pair. 
Today: I don't normally become attached to places I live. But there's something about your first home...all the fun memories, the hard work put in to decorating, the numerous hours spent in the kitchen trying to impress your husband with a delicious meal....I am starting to grow more and more attached to this place we call our home. It makes me wonder....are we in this town for good? Do I even want to move to a big city anymore? Could I be happier elsewhere? Those questions are all up in the air. This very well could have been the year of my life with the largest number of drastic changes. Or maybe it's only just the beginning of change ....
Kristin, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!!! Living in a small town is not as blissful and easy as people assume... it was definitely a big change when Todd and I moved back here from Boston. I've found that it's much easier to avoid the hard questions in life when one can distract oneself with restaurants, museums, shows, and so forth. When you take those factors out, you can't hide from the scary "what am I doing with my life" stuff anymore! I still struggle with trying to figure out if I'm happy here, if we're going to stay, what our plans are. We LOVE Sandpoint. We are just starting to really develop roots here as a couple, and makes friends, forge ties. We love the lake and the mountains and the artsy vibe. But still, I find myself wondering often: where will we end up? Will we be here for the rest of our days? Will we end up someplace entirely new? It will be interesting to find out, I suppose! Even if we do move around a bit, I can't imagine that Sandpoint wouldn't somehow always be calling to me on some level or another, that we wouldn't eventually find our way back here.
ReplyDeleteIt is definitely true that there is a serious lack of the couples-in-their-early-twenties set here... I struggle with that too. I have found though that I have developed many friendships with people of all sorts of ages and backgrounds, which has been good for me! Still, it would be nice to have more people around who are my own age; I can definitely understand how you feel.
Love your blog! Keep posting! Nicholas is right - you need to keep writing!