My heart

10-13-17

To my Firstborn Baby:

There are some days when motherhood doesn't feel perfect...days that I hurry you to the crib to lay you down for a nap so we can both come out on the other side more rested.

But today was not one of those days.

We've recently returned from a long trip away from home, and its amazing to see you thrive in your own environment.  Yesterday, we stayed in our house all day.  We had dance parties, we sang, practiced our colors, and read all of your favorite books.  We wrapped our arms around each other and were delighted in each other's presence. We giggled at each other's jokes and had conversations.  Life has been busy, but yesterday we had nothing on the docket but to get reacquainted with our residence.

Waking up this morning, we grew upon our day of bonding.  We spent the early hours at the park with new friends. We painted and played. You fell and cried, and sought me out.  You practiced your independence, always seeing how far away you can go before mama chases you down.  You learned new boundaries (no, we can't steal other kids' granola bars).  And with great joy, you returned home where lunch was presented at the dining room table with both of your parents. Our place.  The place we spend most of our time as a family.  You point back and forth at your parents' chairs--"mama, dada, mama, dada".  Yep bud, we are all here. We're all together in our home.


Then, I walk you down to your room for a nap.  You asked to be rocked and your sweet limp body clings to me. I say a prayer of thanks to our God for blessing me with the opportunity to parent such a sharp, kind, and strong boy.  We rock back and forth, until your breathing grows slower and your head falls harder.  A smile crosses my face, because I realize I have no guilt in staying here and letting you sleep on me.  This is my job, my full-time role. There is nothing more worthy of my time then this rare moment of pausing.

Suddenly, I acknowledge the way you spill out of my arms. Your head to your toes stretches from my chest to my knees. Weren't you just an infant? It feels like time is moving too fast. How have you grown so much, so quickly?

This cuddle-session fills my heart and leaves it feeling confused. Suddenly I am questioning where I find my value. It has me wondering if my dreams of graduate school and dreams of being a mama of a big, happy family are congruent.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am reminded today of this. You and your daddy are two of the most important parts of me.  Just because I can do something doesn't mean I should. So, as I move forward I will look for finding balance in pursuit of the future and soaking up every minute of the present. 

My love for you is shaking up my world and I really wouldn't trade it for anything.