It didn't take us long to realize that having children naturally wasn't likely to be our future. After learning we'd make good candidates for IVF back in early 2013, we chose to pursue a different calling which led us to the adoption of our first son, Gabriel.
Since moving to Cincinnati, we began meeting with a fertility specialist near our home. This healthcare provider is someone we trust and respect, and we felt that our wants and needs were respected by him. After a lot of prayer, blood work, and paperwork, Nicholas and I decided to pursue their medical assistance to grow our family.
Thus began the appointments. After 2 failed rounds of IUIs in August and then October, we had an education day about In-Vitro Fertilization and the process surrounding the looming term. We decided to proceed, and in November I began my hormone-injections. The process has given me newfound knowledge of terms such as follicle growth, intradermal injections, ICSI, fresh-cycle and blastocyst...and while all important, I won't bore readers with those details. What's important to know is that this process is like a full time job with careful attention to timed dosages and recurring appointments which allow for proper timing of surgery.
3 days ago, I had a minor surgery to retrieve the eggs that the daily injections had been stimulating. Nicholas and I had feared for too many embryos (in fact, we took precautions to prevent such a situation). But after a phone call 24 hours post-retrieval, we soon realized "too many" wasn't a likely outcome. In fact, we suddenly feared the opposite...that perhaps all of this (putting my body through turmoil, giving myself shots in the bathroom at Disney World, randomly breaking in to tears from all the hormones)...may have been done for nothing.
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The post-egg-retrieval phone call went like this:
"Hi Kristin. I was just calling with an update. We were able to fertilize 9 mature eggs that were retrieved, and 4 made it. Your embryo transfer will be either Friday or Sunday depending on how those develop. Let's plan for Friday though, since you are right on the border for numbers."
(A blastocyst transfer occurs after 5 days, and doctors believe that they have higher success rates).
"Okay, I will plan on Friday. Thank you. 4 is great! Statistically, does that mean we can expect about 2 embryos to try with?"
"Um...yes, or 1...or zero. There's no way to tell, but it would be impossible for all of them to make it to Sunday."
Upon hearing this, I think to myself...Zero?! I had no idea that was even an option. I'm healthy, followed instructions exactly....how is that possible...???
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Fast forward to today's phone call. 8:00 am my phone rings on the day I was scheduled to have our embryo transfer. Ut-oh, I thought to myself...does this mean none have made it?
"Hi Kristin. I am calling because our lab looked at the embryos this morning and they are all doing very, very well. 3 of the 4 are at 8 cells and are a grade 3AA. They're like an A+++ rating. Another one of the embryos is at 6 cells and also looks great, but has a lesser grade. So, we are going to move your appointment to Sunday."
My eyes welled up with tears. This is such fantastic news, after knowing what could-have-been.
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We have been in this city less than 6 months and yet God has been so good to us, giving me an ally in this process. The first friend I made here, I later found out, had seen the same doctor, conceived by the treatments at the same clinic. She watched G for me when I needed her to, walked me through the process, and called me with an offer to grocery shop while I was on bedrest after retrieval. She made this whole invasive process feel a lot less isolated.
But so did our fellow prayer warriors from afar. A dear friend sent me my favorite tea (there's nothing quite like a thoughtful care package) and another checks in regularly to see how she might pray for us through this process--who I think really hopes we'll end up pregnant together--which would undoubtedly be so fun.
The hardest thing has been keeping this circle small. We've been honest when individuals who have asked us our plans for growing our family, and kept it between ourselves otherwise. We know too well the heartache of letting people know we were trying, and sharing with them again and again that there was no news yet.
We are incredibly hopeful in this season. Hopeful that by Christmas, maybe, we might be able to share good news with our parents. Time will tell. And while the waiting is incredibly hard, we feel beyond thankful that we have the resources to make this a potential reality for our family. To parent another child, for Gabriel to be a big brother, and to give this very involved process a try.
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12/21/2017
Two Sundays ago we had one perfect little embryo transferred by our medical team. And despite statistical odds, we were able to freeze 2 other embryos for other attempts at pregnancy (that means 3 of the 4 made it-wow!).
After what has felt like the world's longest two weeks--filled with colds, a traveling husband, ear infections, and emergency dental appointments...not to mention the anxiety of not knowing what to expect...tomorrow is almost here.
Tomorrow, at 9am I go in for a Beta Blood Test to measure HCG and determine whether or not the embryo implanted in my uterus (ie...if we're pregnant at last). I broke a cardinal rule and picked up a pregnancy test last night, and it came back negative.
A little piece of me really thought that two lines were going to happen this time, but it was the all-too-familiar "negative" result I have seen so many times before.
There's no way of knowing if this old foe is for real this time, as the prescribed medication that goes along with this process could have impacted the results tonight.
This Christmas season feels different than others for a lot of reasons. There's this sense of anticipation, uncertainty, and isolation.
What I know is that this is the very closest we've ever come to conceiving a child and for that, I remain hopeful in the long-term outcome.
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12/24/17
I sat alone in the waiting room, eyes filled with tears and hands shaking. It felt like this day would never come. If I am honest with myself, I already know I am not pregnant. 3 days ago, I stopped getting nauseous in the evenings, my keen sense of smell was gone, and my body had begun to change shape-again returning to the form I knew weeks ago. Just this morning, I slipped on a pair of pants that hadn't fit in 4 weeks. The sign of the button fitting was evidence of my lost dream.
Hours later I would get the call verifying what I already knew. But for this moment, sitting on that office stool and having my blood drawn for the tenth time in this process, I let myself picture calling our parents on Christmas Eve with news of our soon-to-be baby. I let myself picture Gabriel as a big brother, and the way he'd smile and bat his eyes the way he always does to all babies. I let myself envision carrying a child in my body, talking to him/her through out the day, and Nicholas there cheering me on in the delivery room.
While that determining needle was in my arm, I let myself see all those things...and it felt so sweet. So when the doctor's name showed up on my phone, my heart stopped. I picked up the phone praying for good news.
....
When you get hard news, and your nearly-two-year-old is in the room, you don't get to break down. You swoop each other up and burry your faces in each other's shoulders and you cry hard, but not loud. You hold it in and give the baby you are blessed with your best. But the grief hits you suddenly and uncontrollably. It comes out in odd moments, like when your wrapping a present and the tape won't stick (will nothing work in my favor?)...or when you wake up on Christmas Eve with no desire to do anything but grieve the loss of what could-have-been. Good grief...this must be grief.
You tell yourself that "God knows best and He has plans to honor the desires of your heart" but you wonder if you let yourself get too stressed out or if you lifted something too heavy, or if you didn't buy the right brand of vitamins. Was it that X-ray they required for my emergency dentist appointment? Because when you hear the odds were in your favor at 63% (when before this procedure you didn't stand a chance) you had hoped that this would have been the big break.
I let myself hope that this life put inside of me would get comfy and stay put for 35 more weeks, rather than being barren.
My body remains barren and it longs to give life.
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1/31/17
There were 3 embryos, and now there are 2.
2 frozen little embryos awaiting their future.
I am overjoyed to have another chance at this. To take the medication, to continue the regiment of prenatals, for all of it! Because it means we've still got an opportunity at this whole-giving birth thing-and that's pretty exciting!
You can't give birth without a uterus, though. So when the doctor told me today that mine looks "gorgeous" I laughed and replied "that's what I like to hear, doc".
We've decided to proceed with a transfer of our last two embryos late next week. There are a lot of reasons we made this choice, but ultimately, we are ready to move forward one way or another. Our chances of pregnancy remain slightly higher (about 65%) and the chance of conceiving twins is about 1 in 4.
I feel great, both physically and emotionally. Besides headaches here and there from prescribed estrogen, my body feels like it's same ol'...it's a stark contrast from the fresh cycle we went through in November/December. There are less limitations, less medications, and more freedom. My pants fit and at this point I no longer have to stick myself with needles multiple times a day.
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2/21/2018
Another blood test today. I am sitting down to write out my thoughts and I don't even quite know how to convey what I am feeling.
On Friday, I thought for sure I was about to start my cycle again. I dug out my only remaining home pregnancy test, and I decided to take what I thought would be the last one ever. I stared down at the lines after waiting patiently, and to my surprise there were 2 lines this time. I blinked repeatedly, thinking that I must have been hallucinating. But after all the staring and blinking in disbelief...it still had two lines. A positive test? Oh my goodness...! I had to grip the wall because I started getting dizzy and nearly buckled over.
A small celebration ensued (I can't get too excited yet...they warn us not to take these home pregnancy tests in case it's just what is called "a chemical pregnancy"). But this is the first positive I have ever had...and so you bet when Nicholas walked through that door I had a present wrapped up and the happy news inside.
For good measure, I tried another brand...and for extra good measure we also tried a digital test. All three said the same thing: positive.
So, as I write this passage this afternoon...I am giddy, yet cautiously optimistic. I am sweaty and nervous, and watching for my phone to ring like a hawk.
...........
A phone call confirmed that life is inside me! We are going to be parents again!
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4/17/2017
What a whirlwind 2 months we have had. At 6 weeks pregnant, we had our first ultrasound. I could see what looked like two separate sacs that had formed displayed on the ultrasound screen...but when we asked my doctor what that meant he said we needed to talk about it. We proceeded with viewing "baby a" and it's perfect form/measurements. When we began discussing "baby b", our provider said that the embryo was measuring approximately 5-7 days behind the other. This, he explained, meant we were going to experience what is known as Vanishing Twin Syndrome. In other words, only one of our embryos was going to make it.
2 weeks later, we had our second ultrasound. I had wrapped my mind around carrying one fetus and what life as a family of 4 would look like beginning in October of 2018. While discussing medication with my doctor as he set up for an ultrasound, my sweet husband began tapping my arm repeatedly...and it was getting more and more vigorous. "What is it babe?" I asked.
To this question, he simply pointed at the screen with a huge grin on his face. When I turned to see the screen, I saw on it 2 little embryos and both of their hearts pumping quickly. I could not stop laughing; I was so amazed & surprised. I had not even imagined going in and seeing 2! My persistent laughing made getting an accurate measurement of the embryos difficult, but after tears and giggles from all of us in the room, we learned that the second embryo was just 1-2 days behind the other. The way his/her growth seemed to astonish our doctor was a reminder to us of the big mountains God can move when ensuring His plan comes to fruition. With that, the doctor said we'd get our "official final head count" at the next appointment in 2 weeks.
Life has been in 2 week rotations since we officially embarked on this fertility process. So, trying not to get in my own head too much, we patiently waited 13 more days until we would know for certain how our family would grow in the coming fall. At this appointment, I got to invite my mother in law who was visiting town, and here we all received the good news that both fetuses were looking great!
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We are ecstatic, and slightly terrified, to announce that we are expecting. Two sweet babies will be joining our family this fall!
Gabriel is going to be the sweetest big brother. He already kisses the babies good night before he goes to bed each evening; he talks about wanting to hold them and checks in to ensure they won't take all of his toys. Sometimes he comes over to tell them "hi" and asks questions about why my belly looks different. After he hears me get sick, he asks me if I am "all done playing dinosaur" (thanks for that, hubby)! He has a capacity for care and love of others at such an early age, and I am thrilled for him to experience the joy and bond of having a sibling.
Our family has been woven together in the most involved ways, and it has been a beautiful and growing process. To know that we are one of the fortunate families who get to experience child birth after a long, enduring season of infertility is incredible. But, if I am honest, I have mixed emotions every time I tell someone we are expecting. I know what its like to be on the other end of that conversation, and it wasn't always uplifting. I wonder why us and not them...and in some ways I feel guilt or an urge to share our story of struggle too, so they know that hope is sometimes on the other end.
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Infertility is a disease, and like so many diseases it can turn our lives upside down if we let it. Or, we can choose to embrace it as a part of our story, a product of this broken world that we live in. We can choose to share our stories of infertility and how we came out on the other side. Reading the stories of other brave men and women who were willing to share, was one way I was able to heal on especially hard days; it's nice knowing someone can relate to what you're going through.
So in turn, I am thankful for our story and the ability to share it. The process we've endured makes me grateful for all of the small wins (and the big ones too) because it's something we worked for, prayed for, and trusted in.
And ultimately, it's led us here. I love it here, and the people we share here with.
Your positive attitude is overwhelming with love, hope, and faith. Amazing. Congratulations! And many many more blessings for a family much deserving.
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